My shattered edges pierced him, as they shimmered in the moonlight, unknown to me.
I was Barefoot with a cigarette, standing in the sand, looking down at my feet- oblivious to the moment that was coming for me.
There was nothing new about this moment yet, just a thousand miles from my home.
And thankful to be.
My life was a mess, but he knew none of that— no one did.
I was becoming undone, jagged, tilted, —shaken awake and I only knew one thing,
that nothing fit me anymore.
Except he did, instantaneously.
Like an electric summer storm.
My life was diverging into something else—not broken but a splintering off of sorts, like when old glue wears off of a piece of furniture, and becomes separate from what it once knew. I didn’t know where to hold on, to the old or the not known new part.
I wasn’t lost, but I wanted to get lost and maybe, sometimes, most of the time, not return to what was my current life.
The realization that my marriage was no longer a marriage, was hard for me to even say out loud even though my insides knew long before the realization became something I wanted to say.
This was the undoing— like the ends of a rope that become frayed and loose— i was at the end of mine.
My rope was no longer meant to be what it was when this all started.
This was not tidy and neat like the visual I had created in my head.
This was messy and strange and i knew no one could decide for me.
And whether we shatter into a million peices or become untied bit by bit— it’s all the same. The undoing of something comes before the construction of something else. Or maybe it happens all at once. Like one big clusterfuck of chaos— like how stars are formed.
i know now, That this—all of what came before—All of it led me to a moment I couldn’t have planned, if I tried.
A single recognition of two souls— two unknowns meeting inside of familiarity— all at once.
We were, had been— attached by the invisible thread we all hear of but that had always eluded me.
All of these relationships, over the course of my life were wrong for me, but oh so right for the lessons i needed.
And there he was.
These are the ways of the Universe, the cosmos, God.
Unexplainable, deep ended convergences.
Taken from pain and and turned into something beautiful.
I think about how we met all the time and how deep this plan was planted in my ground before it came to fruition. Unbeknownst to me.
Our needing to know anything ruins the surprise—the mysticism in what I know to be life’s biggest and best creations.
I think we have to trust a little more.
And do a little less.
And breathe a little more.
And tighten a little less.
And open a little more
And close a little less.
And in the moments where we feel this hopeful faith in whats to come,
Or we just decide we’re gonna give up the fruitless fight… and stop trying to control it all…
We, at the end of day, remember that we have to leave some room for the magic.
For those things in life that come so swift and sudden but that take your breath with them on the way in.
I’m just writing to say, that nothing we could ever do, could outplan the divine plan.
The divine plan is the one that will always blow our minds.
The one that takes us by the hand and the heart as if to say, “see? Look what I can do”