My deep, buried beliefs about me, not being enough, came to the surface with force, no longer to be ignored.
It was time to look at this.
It was time to heal.
Finally, I understood what had eluded me, so many times in the past.
This was not his burden to bear.
These were not his wounds to heal.
This was on me.
My enough-ness was on me.
This was all mine.
The thoughts that would flood my consciousness, in these beginning stages of awareness, were a like a destructive, mean storm that wouldn’t quit.
Telling me things like “he deserves someone who is thinner than you” “You’ll never be good enough” “He’ll leave you”
This is just a sampling of the ugliness that clouded my thoughts and impeded my judgement, like a song on repeat.
It was here, that I knew, that what I was about to be hit with, was a tumultuous purge.
The dark of the deep.
No one really tells you that healing is both floating and drowning.
Heavy and light.
Confronting and withdrawing.
An undulation of heavy dark and light, light.
Just endless swimming through all the things you aren’t, desperately searching for any morsel of truth to grasp, until the next wave hits.
Some days, I was unrecognizable to myself. The old was fading, and the new? No where to be seen.
Yet, there he was.
Both a pillar and a pillow.
Holding space for me on the days, I had no idea who I was.
I could go on about how uncertain everything feels when you’re in the thick of healing.
But what I want to say, is that the clouds part for the willing.
Your deepest wounds will be the hardest to heal, and there is no one way to do it, other than getting in there and staring the bastards in the face.
Your depths are nothing to fear, just darkness to be understood and if I could tell you one thing, it is that, when you’re rounding the corner, you’ll look back at the shadows and you’ll feel such reverence for what and why they existed.
This wasn’t about his love that saved me. This was about me saving me.
So, Breathe love inward into the depths of your darkest corners— walk bravely into the shadows of your soul and shine the light into these parts that have only ever wanted you to love them.