I had a whole false story about God… based on what I had been told, about who God is and about what God does.
This story was exactly that… a story— one constructed around fear… immeshed in a religion built upon it— and so, deep down, I feared God… and began to believe a gigantic mis truth—that even I, was unworthy of God’s favor.
And here, in the earliest years of my life, a seed of unworthiness was planted.
And over the course of my life watered… and after a bit of time… grown… in the form of a belief.
In my unconscious rationalizations… if I was unworthy of God’s love, that must have meant then, I was unworthy of love in general.
My idea and beliefs about who and what God is, were never rooted in what I truly believed. It was in the beliefs handed down to me that I interpreted with skewed perceptions and views that I thought were my truth—but now know they were never mine at all.
You don’t rely on faith when you’re in the illusion of control. I never wanted to scratch the surface with the maker because I didn’t “need” God.
I didn’t need this God, because of the way I saw God. To me, God was a punisher of sorts… a taker away of the most valued things in people’s lives— the image in my mind was a cruel ness… more like a dictator than the albeit entity of love. I had witnessed our world leaders going to war in the name of this God and its precious religion… killing in the name of this God.
Afterall, God was the one who condemns people to hell.
I wanted no part of this God.
Over and over again, these pictures were painted in skewed perceptions and it all became just a messy depiction, which never really seemed to add up to me.
All this talk in church about God’s love and yet, none of these things I was witnessing were anything close to what I knew love to be, at all.
And so my quest for truth began.
It wasn’t until my spiritual awakening in 2016 that I began to understand that God isn’t some angry man with a wand in the sky directing our lives like the police direct traffic.
I’ve been forced into church and into religion my whole life, and while there is good in that, that is not where I met God or where an imtimacy was formed.
The first time I was met with the unconditional love that is God, was in my car… sitting on a side street, as I came to the realization that my marriage was crumbling— with the window rolled down and the warm sun on my face is where I felt the warm-ness of God.
It wasn’t in a pew in church.
I began to frequent conversations with this God, and realized the God that I wanted to know and understand was the one who understood me without my incessant worship— the God I wanted to frequent into was the one seemed to hold me in an invisible blanket, when I left my marriage and was in the fetal position on the floor in a friends home— because it all felt too big… too hopeless.
The God I wanted to know, was the one who I saw in a sunset in Thailand that blew mind and tethered me to my own heart… and woke me up to a new kind of love, and I realized, I wanted my mind to be blown by THIS God over and over again. Not the one I thought I knew.
The God who came to me in whispers telling me I have always been enough— not the God who I thought punished people for believing something slightly different than what I had always been taught.
The God I found, comes to people who’ve reached the bottom… the God I found dissipates the bullshit beliefs that told me I wasn’t worthy. The God I found, couldn’t care less what religion you adhere to or what your sexual preference is.
The God I found— found me, and met me with love, without me having to do one thing differently.
So, to say that I think most of us have the idea of God a bit skewed is my truth… I think we do.
Our self righteousness has gotten in the way and clouded our vision. Our need to be right has taken precedence over the actual truth of who and what God is— but here is my take.
Our faith and our spirituality is not a membership. It isn’t a place we belong or a fate we choose that determines where we end up, when we die. It’s not a subscription. And it’s not a non-negotiable choice founded upon fear, that if we don’t choose it one specific way, we burn for eternity.
Does that sound like love to you?
I never bought into the idea of hell.
Free will with an ultimatum is not free will at all.
And don’t you think God would want to be chosen, out of the sheer want to be chosen, rather than scared straight into choosing?
So, I dug for a truth that sits well within my soul. God to me, is an all encompassing energy we all have access to, no matter who you are or what church you go to— and maybe you don’t go to church at all or maybe your church isn’t four walls with a pulpit. Maybe your church is whatever you choose your church to be… a place where you feel so connected to your own source of love. Because at the end of the day, maybe it is more about a connection than it is about anything else.
And to me….
God is not a person. God is an experience.
An experience that we can all have despite our religion or upbringing.
God is an energetic force— a tsunami of power, that can at a moments notice sweep you off your feet if you let it.
It isn’t something that just visits church sanctuaries on Sundays… and it isn’t just for some and not others.
God is everything— and in everything.
God is in me and in you.
We are created in likeness and whether we choose to see the God in ourselves is a choice. Maybe this is the free will we’ve all heard so much about. And the part about hell? Disconnection from your truest self is hell… and maybe that’s where this idea came from.
God is the ultimate connection— and connector and trying to describe the Divine is like trying to describe a color. It’s like trying to explain the complexity of de ja vu, or the simplicity in the explanation of what water tastes like. It’s like the age old question of what came first, the chicken or the egg. “We don’t know what we don’t know” But we’ve spent so much time trying to understand God, and attaching ourselves to stories and having this incessant need to know and be right, we’ve missed out on the experience of God.
Our human minds have gotten in the way of letting what remains a mystery, be just that.
So when people ask me if I’m religious,
I simply say no.
Because to me, God is not a membership.
God is all inclusive. God will never be in a rigid set of rules because God is not rigid at all.
And God is something to be felt and experienced– not understood in the way humans need understanding.
And when I stopped trying to understand God and label God, and just allow myself to experience God, is when I began to understand myself… which begs the question then, that maybe to truly have some understanding of who and what God is, it begins within, first.