I write a lot about being open and living life with your heart forward— but this doesn’t mean we open our hearts to everyone. Sometimes it’s hard to know who you’re safe with and sometimes you won’t know before it’s too late and until you’re amidst the aftermath of betrayal. Thing is, some people sense our goodness as we emanate it into the world and want to consume what we have, to the point that it leaves us drained as we are natural givers.
I am an empath. I feel as easily as my heart beats. I read the energy of rooms and used to willingly take on the feelings and emotions of others because I am so in tune with how others are feeling. After recognizing an obvious and vicious cycle of patterns in my life of attracting narcissists, I wanted to understand why and further examine the relationship between the two. What I’ve learned is that these kinds of relationships can vary— especially from extreme cases to what most would consider less extreme, on the spectrum, but some of these elements and dynamics are always the same. Keep in mind, I write about my personal experiences so it may be important for you, to find what resonates, and leave the rest and most of all— always ask yourself, the important questions about what is right for you. Your heart always knows.
The thing about life is that we mostly understand it backwards and in hindsight after all is said and done we realize what we missed, simply because we choose to see the best in people, or at least I do. I ignored all the signs because number one, I didn’t know what to look for, and during that time, I made excuses for the behavior. That doesn’t happen anymore because I no longer attract these kinds of people in my life because of the intensive healing it’s taken to elixir my soul and spirit– and If I do, I spot the red flags immediately.
The truth about narcissists is that they lack empathy and typically thrive best, off of admiration from others. They’ll usually inflate their sense of importance to hide their sense of worthlessness and their constant need of validation. As long as you’re telling them how wonderful they are, and going out of your way to make them feel adored and loved, you’re in the clear, but as soon as you begin to stand up for yourself and demonstrate boundaries, is when shit will hit the fan. At least, that is what has been true for me.
The truth is, you’ll run into and cycle through people who can’t possibly love like you do at some point in this life. There are lessons to be learned from this, that only you yourself have to dig to find, but it’s a given that at least a time or two, or three of four, you’ll be entangled with ones who won’t have your best interests at heart. But a big part of this for me, was the question of why does this keep happening to me?
I think the biggest part of these kinds of relationships is the utter disbelief that people can be so good at pretending. It feels like a disillusioned mess, and when the relationship ends, there will be more questions than answers and you’ll look around and wonder what the fuck just happened. And the part that will hurt the most is, realizing absolutely none of it was real or genuine to begin with. You’ll realize it was a play pretend and after the masks come off, you’ll have no other option than to truly see everything for what it is.
It very literally feels like catastrophic mess.
You’ll be sitting in what feels like an endless mind fuck and you’ll try like hell to understand the whys and intentions of people until your heart and mind are left speechless and out of answers because it’s impossible to understand languages you don’t speak.
I want to make these terms known to the ones who need to hear them. Look them up and familiarize yourself with them and understand what they are, because you can’t know what you don’t understand and your heart needs boundaries, giant ones.
Knowledge is power.
Gaslighting from the definition on Wikipedia is described as “a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.”
In my definition it is a turbulent psychological mind tornado— picking up all that is known in the wake of your thoughts and skewing perceptions like a motherfucker. You’ll come out on the other side not understanding where you stand and you’ll blame yourself, endlessly. You’ll scratch your head in confusion and wonder where it all went wrong. You’ll forget what you said, and question everything. You’ll be blamed for things and pinned in corners that you know you never did, and somehow you’ll still question yourself. So my advice, get clear on how this all works when you think you might be involved with people who enjoy this kind of shit. They’re out there and they’re real and this is their life force— they play dirty. It’s like the air they breathe as they suck the life out of those who live from a place of compassion. You’ll give and give and give but you will rarely receive without some hidden agenda and what should always be two sided, an even give and take, won’t be– hardly ever without some sort of “what’s in it for me” hidden in the fine print you didn’t read.
Smear Campaigns— what are they? They’re exactly what they sound like and oh, do these people love a good smear campaign. They love it, because they quite literally enjoy painting you and other people in a way that skews the storyline— in a way that makes you the villain and them the victim. They will dirty your name, to whomever speaks about you in their presence— friends and family are not off limits. This is about one mission and one mission only— and that is to discredit you, to make you look like the crazy one or the one in the wrong— and in turn, twist things so that people are ready to rally what feels like an army, on their side, and against you. They call these people, in the circle, the flying monkeys… these are the people that do their bidding and believe the lies and often times, are just pawns in this game of chess that they call life. So call check mate on their manipulative ass. Take away the one thing that ends the game, and that is you.
It’s impossible to understand why people do the things they do, especially with such ill intent and malice behind crooked smiles, and false images. Some wouldn’t even believe it if you told them, but I think I’ve figured it out.
I’ve figured out why they become so fixated on people like you and I.
It’s your light, love.
It’s your bright blinding light and it irritates the immortal hell out of their darkness— and because they are so far from their true selves, and so much in their ego, they live and act from fear, from every angle. Deep down underneath it all, they are a frightened human, who secretly wants to love like you do, they just don’t know how. So they project their hurt onto whomever is in their line of sight, feed off of their goodness, but do it in a way that conceals the truth. That’s why it’s hard to see or spot, and once you’ve been conditioned to their way of life, it’s even harder to see clearly.
You have to be careful with anyone who lacks empathy. You have to be extremely cautious with people who cannot and refuse to understand how others are feeling and I’ll be honest, If I knew what I know now, I would have spotted the irregularities and the warning signs, before it was too late.
But the truth is, there was something I had to learn from all this… and that was boundaries. I had to begin the process of understanding myself, and take the time to learn how energy works, and I realized I was letting these kinds of people into my life, because it was some kind of act of martyrdom and self sacrifice and turns out, narcissists thrive on humans who are this way. As a highly sensitive being, I was always in tune with others’ needs, wants and desires but rarely my own. The lesson here was taking my power back and learning what true self love meant. It meant that I come first. I had to learn the importance of strong impenetrable boundaries, both energetically and personally. I had to learn how to say no. I had to learn to be vocal about what was acceptable behavior, and be strong enough to say, “your behavior is harmful”.
All motives that stem from these kinds of people are fear based and driven by the dark force in this world that has started wars— and this will feel like one especially when you start having clear stated boundaries. But once you do, be prepared for some backlash. This is when I feel, the mask comes off.
Once the mask is off, once who they are is revealed, they may ghost you like you never even knew their name.
And they’ll most likely enjoy it.
And it’s a tough ass pill to swallow. They’re so good at what they do, you’ll sit in the confusion flipping through scenarios to make sense of it all, until you come to understand who the fuck you are and the light that comes from within.
The clarity that comes with that is like a crystal clear cleanse crashing over you and when that happens, when you’re able to see with fresh eyes, you won’t blame yourself anymore and you won’t spend time going in circles fighting to find answers to equations that don’t make sense.
The world isn’t full of love and light and sometimes we encounter the darkness in others for various reasons. There are beautiful people who are misleading on the outside because they haven’t yet discovered what it means to love themselves, even though it may appear that way. They only know their pain.
I know that we are all love. I know that underneath all of the darkness that is what we all are. But that doesn’t make it ok. That doesn’t mean accepting behavior that is abusive is justified. And while it is so important to live and love from an open heart, your heart isn’t safe with everyone. And part of the lesson may be learning to trust yourself. The other part, at least for me, was boundaries and drawing hard lines in the earth and around my heart— knowing when to say, NO. And the last, has been radical forgiveness, mostly for myself for not knowing what I know now.
Your vigilance is your protection. Your boundaries are your saving grace, and the more you can know and love yourself, the better. If you feel you’re being mistreated, in a one sided friendship or relationship, don’t ever let anyone tell you how to feel. Don’t let someone make you feel like something is wrong with you— when you stand up for yourself. Don’t let them shove words you never said into your mouth. Take a match to all the gaslights and blow that shit up. Your intuition is THAT bitch. He/she knows who is good for you and who is detrimental to your well being and if the alarm bells are ringing… listen closely.
And if you find yourself in a situation where it feels like the world is against you, it’s only for the best. Take your belongings and all the love you gave away, and start over where your heart is valued and deeply appreciated by people who take your best interests and hold them close. Peace sign or middle finger– either is appropriate as you walk away from the suffocating madness.