I broke up with the idea that I am not enough. This singular belief is one that flooded my mind— clouded my thoughts and skewed my perception of me and my world around me.
Believe me, I am no different than you, my fears were once too loud for me to hear over. It took me six months just to start this blog— these patterns of thought kept me in a perpetuating cycle of “Who are you to do this?” and who the hell is gonna read it?” So, I listened, and believed that familiar voice—putting off, what I knew was calling me toward it… until I didn’t anymore. Sometimes you just have to do things, scared.
So much of my journey in the last year was about me facing these things. The things that kept me in a cycle of not stepping into who I know myself to be. In the last year, I had no other option than to face myself.
To face this.
It’s funny how we always try to tie our worthiness to something. But all I was given was months of solitude, so that I couldn’t do that anymore. Of course, I forced my self imposed plans— refusing to see the opportunity I was being given. I was trying so hard, to make up for something that needed to be pulled out at the root, and I was turned back to myself each and every time. Still refusing to accept that I was going to have to do this the hard way… going within was my only way out.
Still, I applied for job after job— to do whatever I could to tether myself to something, anything—that would make me seem worthy— anything that would cover my wound like armor, to make it less visible— yet, I hit wall after wall. Instead of facing the issue head on, I attempted to put a bandaid over it.
I got no’s at every turn. I was constantly redirected back to me, back to the dense dark pit, within, and I had no other options than to meet it head on.
In my very human way, I was trying to overcompensate for something I needed to just face, and ultimately heal. This trance of unworthiness followed me, wherever I went— it was like a dark cloud that resumed over my head, and on certain days, those clouds seemed to part but inevitably— always returned. I could no longer out run what was running me. It wasn’t until I decided that enough is enough— and so, I surrendered to the solitude, and instead of resenting the place that I found myself in, I chose to widen my lens and think that maybe, this was an opportunity and instead of viewing it as a curse, I began to see it as a blessing. So, I leaned in– into the intense lessons of healing and I will always stand by this: the only remedy, is sitting in it and finding the wherewithal to face it.
So, I re-built myself, reinventing who I wanted to be… from the ground up… burning everything that no longer belonged– letting the ashes of smallness dissipate as I embraced my divinity.
It’s crazy the things that begin to surface the deeper into this work you get. Ultimately, this was something that had been living within me for a very long time and even though I had begin to learn what felt like libraries of information about myself, as I explored this untraveled path of self love, the truth is hard to face sometimes.
Until you meet it in the midst of surrender.
So, arms spread and breaths deeper than ever, I again, searched these parts of myself learning to look at them with kinder eyes and an even bigger heart.
I began to look at myself through the eyes of Source, through the eyes of Spirit or God or whatever word, you have, for the divine. These eyes saw me for me— and loved me for it… as it felt as though I was being wrapped in its invisible arms and held in such a way that I felt a reverence for myself— a reverence for my life— and in those quiet days of solitude I began to hear the words well up from deep within my soul that said, “you’ve always been enough”
Only this time I believed it.
I guess this is why we’re all here, to find the truth. The truth that we are worthy. Enough. More than enough…. but sometimes you have to dig through the stacks of what you’re not, to find it.
so, Listen, I get it— i know the doubt is loud— I am familiar with the voice that is constantly critiquing and throwing its unwanted two cents in, at every turn… I know what it’s like to feel like you’re coming up short, every single time… believe me… i do.
The difference now? I know that I am backed by the Universe itself… and even though I am very much a human and experience these very real pervasive human things like fear and self doubt and this feeling of not enough ness… I am now in tune with a much more powerful part of me— the part of me that silences the fear, and dissipates the doubt— the part of me that lives below all of these programs that told me lie after lie.
The universe gave up parts of itself to craft me—to craft you— celestial pieces of itself that all live within each and every one of us… and this idea that I am small and not enough to stand in my place in the sun, is something that had to die. I had to shed the skin of smallness—not enough ness and step into what was waiting for me, on the other side.
What was on the other side was this.
Freedom. To be who I wanted to be— to run wild on this earth with dreams and plans–breaking the bars I was confined to, that I was now free of.
As I began the healing process and all of the digging it takes, to get to the bottom of where these things come from, and understand where they were birthed– I realized that I had a very wounded inner child… who needed my love and attention. Who needed me to sit with her, and tell her she was loved just as she is. This harmful belief came from an idea that I wasn’t enough just as I was. Growing up, the value of accomplishments were placed heavily on my performance— clapping at every turn when I was good— and being punished when I wasn’t… and so, as an adult, I was punishing myself.
With the noose of “what can you achieve tied around my neck” there was the weight of “you’re nothing without accomplishment” But this was all a lie— a story I crafted to give meaning to my worth all the times I felt like I didn’t measure up.
This was my battle, to find my enough ness, just as I was— and I now bask in it.
I know, my place here.
My place is in my scars of all the stories I have to tell of how I overcame and walked through darkness to get here…
My place is the space of my gigantic heart that’s mended itself from the breaks and cracks and how it chooses to love anyway.
My place is in my divine existence, and the belief that my being here is for a reason—that out of all the people on this planet… there is no one like me. Who I am… and who you are underneath these skin and bones— is the same.
So, I broke up with the idea that “I’m not enough”
This was no longer about surviving a story— this was about allowing myself to thrive despite the story… and just in case you need to hear this today— its absolutely insane just how enough you are, exactly the way you find yourself, in this moment. You require absolutely nothing to compensate for your existence.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You always have been.
Stop at nothing to believe that.