The things we’ve swept under the rug internally… will be highlighted, most, in our intimate relationships. .
My triggers show me all I need to know in relationship to what needs to be integrated and healed.
The biggest one for me has been trust and re-learning what that means in this now current relationship, vs what it looked like in previous ones. Ones where that trust was severed and severely broken. I had a gigantic rejection wound that was gaping open, and I wasn’t even aware of it.
I didn’t want to be the girl with trust issues… Somehow it felt like I was damaged goods, I wanted to appear normal— like I had it all together—so for a long time, I denied it, even to myself, but the fact that I was being triggered in certain situations, told me otherwise. Denying what was loud within me, took a toll, because I would become overwhelmed with feelings I could no longer control. And I would project— I would stonewall– I would become extremely quiet, and then when asked, I would say “nothing is wrong”. While fighting a war within my own mind that was telling me he couldn’t be trusted. When it comes to triggers, it’s either a mask or an illusion… and both were accompanied by my raging ego attempting keep me safe— but in reality, this was sabotaging the relationship. This wasn’t playing fair and I wasn’t being honest with how I felt because I was afraid of letting down the mask. I was throwing my pain onto him, because that was easier than looking at it— and this became about taking ownership— of the feelings and emotions that were ultimately mine— and doing the required work it takes, to heal that wound within me, so that those every day normal things, that jolted me into familiar past instances, no longer triggered me to revert to that pattern of defensiveness and suspicion.
Healing takes time. But it also takes awareness— awareness to your own trauma and trigger points but it’s also having the emotional maturity to say,
“this is on me. This is my job to fix, not yours.”
I don’t give this man enough credit sometimes. Somehow I was gifted with a partner with immense amounts of patience and understanding… who says things like… “what is it that I can do, on my end, that won’t trigger you?” Sometimes it’s being able to have open and honest conversations, and it takes willingness, understanding and vulnerability from both parties. Growth will always be on the other side of the open, honest and sometimes difficult conversations— Over and over again.
I am grateful for the triggers, now that I recognize them. They show me where my work is and what I need to sit inside of in moments of quiet– they show me where I need even more healing. And now, rather than running from the parts of me that are asking me to face them, I lovingly scoop them up, with love and understanding, as if to say, you too, are welcome here.