The road to discovery
I saw a quote recently about spirituality vs Religion. I think it’s important that these two things are not to be confused with one another, in my opinion. This quote really resonated within my heart, as I thought about how I would share the rest of my story on this process. It read as follows,
“Religion is the belief in someone else’s experience. Spirituality is having your own experience.” Deepak Chopra
I guess a spiritual awakening can mean different things for different people. For me, it meant bursting the seams of construct. Society’s constructs. Religion’s constructs. The construct of belief… and moving into something far bigger. More expansive. Something that was personal to me and my journey. The journey back to myself.
I guess I can equate my awakening experience, to learning a new language. You hear of the term “spiritual awakening”— and it’s many facets, but the more I uncovered, the more it seems, there was to learn and I understood very little. So this was my delve, into this new language, the language of the soul, in an attempt to understand my place here; in an attempt to understand life and what that meant for me.
Weeks after I was neck deep in research. Google was my best friend. I was still completely overwhelmed, trying to understand it all. It seemed the more I uncovered, the more information I found. Layers upon Layers. Terms I didn’t understand.
It felt overwhelming.
Shortly after returning home from my family’s beach vacation, I was introduced to Abraham Hicks and her teachings. I listened to different segments of her seminars on YouTube every morning. I was enticed by this whole “law of attraction” stuff, and the thoughts of creating whatever I wanted in life— hooked me.
I think this is what is enticing, to all of us, in the beginning. The ones who know, I think will agree. I think we’re enticed, or at least I was, because in the search for everything, I hadn’t yet realized the things we’re looking for won’t be found, in the outside world.
Evidence of that paragraph, the one that changed everything for me, showed up, in my external reality, little by little. But this was the starting point, and like I mentioned before, I was at the beginning of a surface I hadn’t begun to scratch.
Amidst very positive life changes, there was still an emptiness. Yet, still I searched the external world, for the answers.
I remember sitting on my couch one afternoon, late in the summer. I asked myself “are you happy?”
I did all the things society tells you to do.
I got the college degree. I got married because that too, made sense. Six months later bought a house— I had all boxes checked off the life list.
yet, I was having to ask myself if I was happy.
These were Society’s constructs and I was quickly growing out of them.
Sometimes the answer is in the question— and the fact that I was having to ask myself if I was happy, was a clear indication that I wasn’t.
But I wasn’t ready to face that truth, just yet.
I was, growing farther a part from my husband at the time–resenting every aspect about our relationship. In the vicious cycle of why me’s and not knowing where to turn, I was left with the resounding feeling that there was more.
Deep down, I knew this couldn’t last.
I knew I had made a mistake.
I knew I needed out… but I wasn’t ready.
I was preparing myself for a life of misery and complacency, because in the midst of these new revelations, I was terrified. I soothed myself by accepting that this would be my life… because I never thought I would have the courage to leave.
I was the daughter that didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I had grown up in an environment that taught me that the opinions of other people were extremely important, and I had, in hundreds of occasions, made decisions based solely off of that. I couldn’t stomach what people would think of me.
What I didn’t know is that it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t their life I was living, it was mine… and at the end of the day, it’s how I thought of myself. And even that, was beginning to change. Here I was in the midst of a failing marriage, navigating the unknown waters of this new journey, while at the same time having my world rocked by all of this new thought and expanding growth.
Along with that, I was no longer relating to people in the same way. I was being pulled forward into massive growth that felt confusing, and debilitating at times. It almost felt like I had nothing in common with anyone, anymore. And my entire life became almost unrecognizable, to me.
I was overwhelmed with every aspect of my daily life.
I was having to hide all of this, to maintain an image.
All of this—for an image.
As I sat on my couch and pondered my own question to myself, I couldn’t really figure out how I had gotten here. To this place. Somehow it seemed that if I kept it all inside, it wouldn’t be real. Everything on the outside looking in, seemed perfectly fine… but inside, it was a mess.
I was reeling. Being hard on myself. At the same time wishing I could wake up from this dream, and start all over again. I battled with myself day in and day out. Unaware of the process that goes on inside these times of transformation.
I was still trying to convince myself that everything was fine… but the very real and pervasive truth was that it wasn’t, and deep down I knew that.
What is the purpose of all of this and why me? Why couldn’t I just live happily ever after in the safety and comfort of security? But that’s a very real thing about this process… you are no longer ok with just getting by. Living a life that feels small, in comparison to the expansion you’re experiencing, feels like you’d be doing yourself a big fucking disservice.
and in all honesty, I would have been.
I physically and mentally couldn’t stomach it.
I was just too scared to move.
Too scared to speak my truth.
Too scared of what waited for me in the unknown on the other side.
In the midst of what felt like immense turmoil and feeling like I was being pulled from one direction to another, I found meditation.
For just 15 minutes a day, I found peace and quiet within a life up in flames.
It was in this practice that I felt the truth become so clear. So vivid. I was having major revelations about life and love and growth, and I was realizing that it’s possible to grow out of things, but not only that, that it was ok and sometimes really fucking necessary. I was having deep feelings of overwhelming love, within my heart and I had never experienced anything like that before. But not like romantic love, this love was eternal. This love was from somewhere deep within me, and I had awakened it.
It seems as though, sometimes, when its hard to understand the why’s of life— that the box being put around the situation is far too small. The lens of my perspective wasn’t big enough. I couldn’t see the bigger picture because I was too narrowly focused, but even that began to widen. Instead of just viewing this situation from one fixed view, I began to view it from many. And in the midst of what felt like deep confusion, my heart was speaking to me, ever so gently guiding me, where I needed to go next.
I could write a book about this, as there are hundreds of thousands of viewpoints and levels of which to approach it… but what became so very real and true for me, was that all things happen in the way that they need to. I did my best to surrender into that.
As I write this today, in hopes of explaining this deep and vast process, in hindsight, all roads i chose to walk down, have led me here. Right here to the place I am meant to be. In the process of discovering my place here, I’ve discovered and met parts of myself that were stifled from growing in that phase of my life, and it’s obvious that while they were stifled, that phase was so necessary to propel me forward, to where I am now. This is the phenomenon, that I couldn’t quite understand just yet. But one that i have a deep understanding for, now.
I’ve discovered unwavering trust that what is for me, will never miss me.
I’ve discovered and met parts of myself that have even further spun me into completion— in this evolution of my soul… I’ve discovered how to love the lessons, how to love the pain, and how to love the journey no matter how dark it gets… because what is waiting on the other side of all of that, is so very worth it, because its you, on the other side.
and so, the more I try to explain what this all meant to me, or what it should mean to you, I realize that the very simple truth is this…
My Spiritual awakening has been a process of discovery in all areas of my life— its in the opening up and the breaking down that revealed so many necessary parts to my life experience. What came before and what comes next. And so, it matters not where you’re going… its a matter of who you become on your way.
It’s hard to explain in just a few paragraphs how extremely intensive this process is and the amount of revelations I’ve had. I understand now, how much meaning there is in every turn but not just that I’ve learned to mine for it. In every phase and each part of the journey prepared me for the thing that came next. I can say with absolute conviction that this journey has led me to my soulmate. It has led me to my life’s purpose. It has led me back to myself. And I look back, at the path, the things that got me from point A to point B– where I came from versus where I am now, and it’s all so divinely perfect.
The journey to myself revealed so much about my purpose here, our purpose here and just how vast it all is, in comparison to what our human minds are able to perceive. This has been, what I can describe as a layering process. From one layer to the next, another unmet part of the integrative whole, another piece, another view.
And as I sit here and write this all down, and try to explain what it all meant for me… I realize that it doesn’t matter, because it’s what it means for you. However you want to view life and your experience is up to you and that is the beauty of free will and choice. You were given life, and now, it is up to you what you do with it and the real truth is that you can’t get it wrong. All is divinely written in each path we choose to take.
And so, now that I know I have a choice… I choose the path that is aligned with my highest good and the highest good for all. It is in this path that I learned where my true place in life is, and what this experience all means, to me–
Me choosing this path, is me choosing for my soul to experience itself in its highest expression… its what every one calls “living your best life” and we all have that choice. But this is the brilliance of the design. Each day, each breath even, is a chance at a new start. The beauty of it all is in the grace of being able to start over– to start new whenever we want.
So don’t discount the journey– this road trip of life. I know you just want to arrive, but the truth is, there is no real destination– what’s the point of becoming if you have no stories to tell about how you got there.
with all the love in me as you dive inward,