My Spiritual Awakening Part I
My spiritual awakening happened the day after I was let go from my first corporate job— My boss sprung the news on me, halfway through the work day—I felt like I was underwater struggling to hear the words spill from her mouth— hoping I was hearing it wrong.
But I wasn’t.
“Corporate has eliminated your position… they’re letting you go” I remember staring across the desk at her— watching her lips move but not really hearing what she was saying. All I could think was, “Why let me work half the day??”
I guess this is what working for a big company was like, in the end.
I was just another body, in a business bigger than me. A business that cared about making money. A business who no longer saw the need for my position— a business that no longer wanted to pay out a 40,000 salary.
Everything is about money, in big businesses. Nonetheless, I took it personal. I was defeated, and feeling like I had once again failed. I packed up my desk, in a cliché’d cardboard box, walked down the steps to my car and remembered all the times I had watered those damn pansies in the window boxes. I was sad, but I don’t even know why– I didn’t even like that job, actually I hated it. It made me pretty miserable, but nonetheless, I drove all the way home through the tears and fear of what came next– Like the upcoming mortgage payment on the house I had just bought. I was overwhelmed. I never saw this shit coming— and I didn’t have a fucking plan.
This was a blindside.
The vacation with my family, was timely— we left for the beach the next day.
There are no coincidences, I believe that now, but a book I had read six years ago, circled back around my life and I found myself amidst unknown, weird situations that I couldn’t explain or begin to understand & this was one of them.
My life had completely spiraled within a day and I thought I would find solace in the words.
This book was called “Conversations with God”, and I decided to read it again because I didn’t really remember reading it the first time.
This book is a series of questions and answers. The author writing the questions— every day human questions that we’d all want to ask, given the chance to have a conversation with the maker. I wasn’t sure if it was real, but, to be quite honest, the more I read, the more I realized these answers did not come from a human mind. The answers were too profound and I found such a resonance of truth in them.
I was sitting on the deck overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, early in the morning with a cup of coffee in one hand, and my phone with the downloaded version of this book in the other— attempting to soak in the very deep and layered chapters.
As my eyes began to scan the next paragraph it took me— all of me—as if to sweep me beneath a surface I hadn’t even begun to scratch. It was like two hands were holding my eyelids open forcing me to look at the truth.
“Now in this present instance you see yourself as the victim of the situation in the losing of your job. Yet the truth is that you no longer chose that job. You stopped getting up in the morning in anticipation, and began getting up with dread. You stopped feeling happy about your work and began feeling resentment. You even began fantasizing doing something else.You think these things mean nothing? You misunderstand your power. I tell you this: Your life proceeds out of your intentions for it.”
I was frozen. Mouth and eyes wide open.
This was speaking directly to me.
How could it not be?
It was in this moment, I realized, I WAS getting up every morning with dread. Stuck. Resenting a job I could never really find my place in. No, I wasn’t happy and yes I had become resentful. I HAD been fantasizing of doing something else, every day.
I repeated the words slowly, to myself outloud, as if to try and understand them, better.
“YOU MISUNDERSTAND YOUR POWER… YOUR LIFE PROCEEDS OUT OF YOUR INTENTIONS FOR IT.”
I put my phone in my lap as I stared out towards the horizon— processing— letting the words sink deep within my heart and mind– trying to make this, make sense to a very rational mind.
“Your life proceeds out of your intentions for it.” I repeated it again, quietly and to myself.
I had this overwhelming sense of knowing.
This was my lightbulb moment. This was the day the veil between myself and the existential truth was lifted.
“I am powerful.”
“I’m not just here to work a job I hate to pay bills and die.”
“I am a creator.”
This made perfect sense.
“Of course it’s this!”
What would be the point of our existence if we didn’t have a say, in how we wanted our life to go? I knew there were always choices, but this took that concept to another level. A level at which, I felt was meaningful and powerful all at once. I’d spent so much of my life, giving my power away, and this…. this was my chance to take it back.
We create our own reality. That thought alone excited me… and I just had a feeling that this was the secret sauce to life. This was the missing piece of the puzzle. But with that, came the realization that how things had gone thus far, was on me. This could no longer be a game of blame. It’s a tough pill to swallow when I was faced with this hard truth.
The endless digging, and questions were overwhelming me. But I knew I had landed on something profound.
I was meant to download that book and read it, again.
But how would I have known that?
Those words were meant for me, to read.
That can’t be a coincidence.
And it wasn’t.
Not by a long shot.
I felt like I had, over the course of my life, found parts of myself near the ocean. She always had a presence in my life and this too, was no coincidence. It always has been so sacred to me and I don’t doubt it was all constructed in this way— a way that would be most impactful to me, personally. Anywhere in proximity to the ocean has always been a place where I always felt the most connected, and here I was, having my own personal conversation with God in book titled “Conversations with God”. It doesn’t get more connected than that. This was one of those things that no matter how hard I tried, there was no logical explanation, other than something far bigger than me.
This was my first experience with the divine, in this way, where it felt loving and reciprocative.
After this moment, I felt like I had a lot of catching up to do. A lot to understand. I had a long way to go. I didn’t know what it all meant— all I knew is that what I was reading opened something within me.
That was 5 years ago.
I had been married for a year, and was coming to the realization that, that was a mistake.
I had just been fired from my job, that I hated.
I was beginning to sense things within me, that needed my attention.
And so, this was the very beginning of what was, a long, intensive, journey, back to myself.
Back to the truth.
This was the day, I awakened.
This was the day, that a paragraph, in a book, I randomly decided to read, changed my life.
If you think we’re here by some accident, that things just randomly happen, please let this— my story, tell you otherwise.
Happenstance is no longer a part of my vocabulary.
That paragraph was the first of many catalysts, that stirred within my soul, to jolt me into a journey of remembrance. A journey that was a return… a return to myself.
The next weeks that followed were ones of digging deep, learning, researching— amidst a life that now, seemed unfamiliar to me.
Who the hell was I?
And what the hell was I here to do?
This is my very real account of how the confusion, pain and suffering in life, serves a deep purpose. How in the midst of profound transformation, your surroundings become almost unrecognizable— and how growth, can sometimes feel like walking over hot coals, without an end in sight. Just 3rd degree burns as the skin peels off like the layers of an onion. But it’s not just your feet, it’s every inch of you. Layer by layer… the uncovering of what’s below the surface.
This was, what would be, my own personal process of discovery— the journey back to my own heart. A journey full of the most surprising ups and the most darkness of downs. I was on this path, now, and there was no going back. This was now a battle between the ways of the ego and the way of the soul.
To be continued…