It’s taken some digging, to get me where I am currently. Intense digging through all of the layers of things I am not— and who I thought myself to be. These things I had identified with, for so long, I had welcomed them into my space as my own— as if to say, YES, You make me miserable, but you can most definitely make your home within me. Yes, come in harmful beliefs, I’ll adopt you. Most all of which stem from childhood— along with assloads of unprocessed and repressed emotions and trauma. As children, we don’t choose these things, we just find ways to cope, which makes it especially hard, for us as adults.
It wasn’t until I got a taste of who I was, underneath all of the unhealed trauma, unconscious programming, limiting beliefs, trapped emotions and stories… that I began to question ALL of it.
Which then led me down the darkest and most enlightening of rabbit holes.
If you hear nothing else in this post… please hear this. There is a place, within your heart that is the home of your fullness— beneath the layers of trauma, and healing and the drama of the human experience, past the unconscious programming and limiting beliefs— through the judgement of ourselves and others… in that place is where we meet our true self. In this place, we are limitless and free, powerful and whole. In this place we are infinite.
It is there that I tasted her sweet and savory. It is there that I felt the wholeness of who I am. It is there, I found the truth.
It has taken me years of experimentation— externally relying on people and things to fill me up. As if to say, I am empty to then rampantly search for things outside of myself in failed attempts to fill a void that cannot be filled with anything, in the outside world.
Men and relationships.
To name a few.
But here, in this place, in the depths, I wasn’t empty— It is here that I realized that what they say, after all is true. It is an inward journey— and you do find all that you hope to find there.
It’s there I found me. In my rawness. In my most untouched form. Untouched from the pain and heaviness. Light and full of love. And what did it take to get me to that place? On this quest for truth?
Awareness to my own destruction.
A search for answers.
If you’re thinking this can’t be all there is to life, then you are right. This isn’t all there is to life, and this is my personal take on what it means to rise— to meet yourself— to dig and do the work it takes to tame your inner demons, heal your deepest wounds and silence the voice in your head telling you one big lie about yourself.
This was my rebirth.
This was burning it all to the ground and coming out untouched from the flames.
But a big part of our existence is also what it means to be on earth and to be a human— this never ending exploration of what works and what doesn’t.
In the end, everything I tried wasn’t working— so In turn I tried something else.
This was the path I chose. Or maybe it chose me.
At the end of the day, we all want to be happy. We all want to fall in love. We all want to make a lot of money and be known or successful— that is our human needs and wants— and often times we search every earthly plane outside of ourselves to find it— but what if I told you, none of that matters, in this place, deep within. You’re so full, you require nothing.
What if I told you, you feel such a divine richness in your soul that no money could ever touch— that the feeling of happiness is completely and utterly palpable— that there is an endless stirring of love and such fulfillment no words can match.
Would you believe me?
I don’t think anyone would believe me, without experiencing it first hand. But, I will say, once you get a taste of the truth, you easily begin to recognize everything else, was a lie.
You are not your pain, you’ve just identified with it for so long you think it is yours to own. I’m not saying it isn’t valid, I’m saying there is another way.
You are not your trauma, you just haven’t found an effective way to integrate healing & the time is now.
You are not your thoughts, meditation taught me that— and once you learn to separate from them and develop heart and mind coherence, you begin to understand what it means to be in a balanced state and in the powerful flow of all there is.
This is Alignment. This is where you meet yourself. It is here, that life will meet you with open arms as if to say, “where have you been and what took you so long?”
In a world that pushed us straight into school to learn Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, History, Science and Bible verses— not too much emphasis was put on our personal development. How to properly deal with our emotions and communicate them. How to effectively process and heal from certain traumatic instances. How to effectively love ourselves- and why that’s so fucking important. And lastly, no on ever told me, about the truth of who I am underneath all of what I am not. So, fortunately my journey led me to find out for myself.
It’s no wonder we as adults feel, stuck. Because we never acquired the proper tools. Or heard anything remotely relating to our inner world— or what it means to open our eyes to what’s beyond the veil.
So, below I’m sharing my own tools that have personally helped me, in my journey inward.
Cultivate Acute Awareness
Without awareness— forget it. Developing your awareness is crucial. Becoming self aware is the best thing I ever did and the best thing you will ever do. Your awareness is like a flashlight— use it to shine a light on your repeated thought patterns, projections, limiting beliefs + triggers. Shine it into the depths of your consciousness and look closely. This will allow you to see, everything in which you’ve been allowing, within the confines of your own behavior, but haven’t been conscious enough to catch it. This is leaving the auto pilot mode— and taking ownership of the wheel.
Begin a meditation practice. Hands down the best thing I ever did, was this. Do you know how much of our lives are spent on the go, in constant movement, and how very little is spent in silence with no distraction? A LOT. We are called human beings, not human doings— & How could we possibly hear or be in touch with this inner being, if we don’t take the time to listen, or feel into it? Meditation will also allow you to distance yourself from your thoughts and harmful patterns. Which makes it easier not to associate with them as much— It’s here you will find a deep understanding of self.
Look For Things to Appreciate
Intention to feel good— re-wiring your brain. Everything is frequency… and what we focus on, we get more of— if you are constantly focused on the problems in your life, you will see evidence of that, in your current reality— you will attract more problems. If you are focused on gratitude and the infinite abundance in and around your life— guess what? You will find more and more things to be grateful for and like a magnet, you attract more abundance. Practice training yourself to look for things to appreciate. Start expecting miracles.. start expecting magic— start looking for the blessings— it isn’t wrong to look for the good, in and around your life, it’s essential to living!!
Look for signs + You are Supported
You aren’t in this alone. Look for signs. We are all divinely guided— there is evidence of that, all around my life, if I take the time to look and pay attention. If you feel that you are alone, know that you are not. There is a team of support you can’t see, leaning in and showing you, they are here, in every step and misstep. Early on, the evidence of this, came in repeating numbers. And in the last year, i saw compasses, everywhere— tiny reminders that I am where I need to be. Now? It could be the next song on the radio, or the title of a book, or a message from a friend. Don’t believe me, ask for a sign, and see what shows up.
Practice opening the heart
Go within every day. Practice opening your heart… allow yourself to feel— and feel deeply. Let yourself be moved. We’ve continuously numbed ourselves to our innate ability of feeling. The more you allow your feelings to flow, the more you will experience a connection not only to your heart center, but to others, as well.
Practice moment to moment awareness and being fully present in each now moment. When you come to understand that the past is no longer here and the future is an illusion, what else is there? The now— it is all there is. Find your breath and bring yourself back each time you find yourself elsewhere. Allow yourself to really enjoy what you’re doing when you’re doing it.
Don’t avoid Negative Emotion
Don’t bypass the negative or painful emotions that arise. This process is not about being positive all the time— sometimes it can be really painful, and dark. Oftentimes we avoid those things because feeling our wounds is extremely painful— so, as a coping mechanism, we avoid it. This does more harm than good. So, learn to sit within the discomfort, and move through.
Journaling really helped me, with this. It gets the thoughts out of your head and onto paper, and leaves room for clarity. Sometimes they just need to be acknowledged.
Love on yourself
Love on yourself repeatedly. Some things may come up that aren’t pleasant to face— it can be very easy, to be unnecessarily hard on yourself… if this is your tendency, because it was mine, go within the heart, and give yourself love.
Onward + Inward