Have you ever heard the saying “you cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick?” Well, there is so much hard truth in that— truth I wish I had known, all the times I tried to do this. There was an emptiness, a hollowed out place within me, that I, for years attempted to fill with relationships and men who were not good for me. Relationships that made me “sick”. But, I believe, relationships come as assignments, each serving their own specific purpose in our own growth, at a soul level.
Turns out most of those relationships caused me a lot of trauma and immense amounts of pain, but they were a mere reflection— a mirror of my inner world where I identified heavily with my pain and unworthiness. I hungrily accepted the flattery and affection of men, past the point of self betrayal— and this is a pattern I repeated for years. Instead of leaning into the heartbreak and searching those moments for what the heartbreak was here to teach me, Oftentimes, Id find myself right back, in the same relationship after the I’m sorrys and I won’t do it agains— ignoring my intuition and betraying what I knew in my heart of hearts… I deserved
—I did this to avoid being alone.
Which meant, experiencing the same heartbreak over and over again. This was not self-loving… this was self-torture.
I had, in every sense of the term, given my love away, in return for my worthiness, each and every time.
A risky exchange— Why? Because love gives, without expecting anything in return… and you cannot outsource worthiness— it can’t be filled from anywhere, but within— a valuable lesson I had to learn through heartbreak after heartbreak— on my journey to, here.
My worth was on me. It was mine to own. But I didn’t know how to get it or where it came from. I had always given my own power away by placing it in the hands of other people by thinking I could attain it by means of relationships— my vice. But, I was always coming up completely empty, when they came to an abrupt end. My identity was deeply imbedded in whomever I was romantically involved with, and so, the pain I was experiencing was partly because of their absence and abuse, but most of it, was because I was also losing myself along with them. Every. Single. Time. I had given them all of me, in exchange for what? Their own pain projected onto me in ways of abuse and toxicity— and the part I played in that, was that I allowed it. I hadn’t yet gotten a taste of my inner power and worth.
I was a pain addict. It’s what I knew. It’s what was familiar… I identified so heavily with it, because I was yet to be acquainted with the truth. The truth of my true nature. The truth that exists in all of us. We, as a society have forgotten that we came into this world as pure love— we’ve forgotten that this life experience is about joy and happiness— we’ve forgotten that we actually have a choice in this life— and with that choice either comes prison, or freedom. Pain is the prison and I was choosing it over and over.
the turning point
What saved me from my own destructive patterns wasn’t anyone else. The path to spiritual awakening saved me— a path that opened my eyes to what it means to be my own savior— my own knight in shining armor— my own healer, my own source of happiness and self worth— this path gave me the courage to face myself. It is here that I found the truth. It is in this path, I found the long lost treasure of what I was seeking.
It was me, all along and no one else.
Pain has a way of closing us off, especially if experienced habitually. So, without continued introspection and checking in with ourselves, the walls we build, harden and strengthen— by means of self preservation— our very human way of protecting ourselves from experiencing what hurts. But please hear me… healing cannot occur with a closed heart— this path has also taught me that. Healing can only begin, with a heart that is open.
Love doesn’t come without risk. And maybe that’s the beauty of it— we love, knowing there is always a chance that we could end up alone and heartbroken… but, what softens that blow, is being deeply rooted within yourself, first. Cultivating a relationship with yourself, is where you will find your path to healing a broken heart. It is on that path, that you will uncover buried treasures hidden beneath the depths of your soul that will open your eyes to the journey ahead, rather than the journey behind… with a willingness to sit inside of whatever is asking to be felt.
What needed to be addressed was me, and why I was tolerating blatant mistreatment and calling it love.
a closer look
Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.
When I chose healing, when I chose to get really honest with myself and face some uncomfortable truths— I uncovered many more things hidden beneath the surface. Not only did I have to learn how to heal this gigantic unworthiness wound, I had to address a lot of other things that we’re keeping me in a vicious cycle of suffering. Healing became more than just matters of the heart it became about my whole being and in hindsight it was all so clear. The continued suffering and repeating patterns served a brilliant purpose– they brought a devout willingness to look deeper, to the root of the cause.
It is here, in my depths that I found it. And you will too.
There are a hundred things you can do to integrate healing, into your life. Meditations. Journaling. Learning how to let go.
But what I suggest is this:
Learn to pour the love, you so freely gave away, into yourself. Spend time learning you. Listen to what your needs are and learn to meet them. Learn how to lovingly speak to yourself and cultivate a relationship within, that is so strong and rooted in love, that no matter who leaves or who hurts you, you have acquired the tools to weather any storm.
Making peace with that which has broken you, and the people that have left you, are all a part of the process— those things give us greater appreciation of the people that come along, and no longer remind us of our pain, but we have to be accountable and make sure we are no longer choosing those kinds of people.
Men unwilling to face their own shit do not deserve to sleep in the same linens as queens who are braving their inner storms. Period.
Now is the time to elevate, in all aspects of the word.
I am no longer available to mother men, who refuse to be accountable for their pain- I am not here to turn a boy into a man… and neither are you.
From my open heart to yours 💛